Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working