[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON