I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?