@TheHatStore

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

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@broken_rhi

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

@OctopusCaveman

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@MsLisaM

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?