[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

You Might Also Like


I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.


Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag


[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.


I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.


My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?