Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.