Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.