Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.