Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Well, this explains it:
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot