Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok