‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
We’ve all been there…
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN