Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
You Might Also Like
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
huge if true: the moon
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.