@pilau

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

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@mrjohndarby

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

@MarfSalvador

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@Tbone7219

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@TheBoydP

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess