A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.