[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.