Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls