venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Pringles
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“you recording!?”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience