Venn
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.