VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.