ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good
– Jack and the beans talk
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over