[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

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ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda


Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum


ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows


Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.


Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk


I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over