[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel