Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
You Might Also Like
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you