verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Still my favourite meme.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.