Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Y’all know who you are.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
oh you wanna fight?!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”