Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.