SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so


Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.


Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name


What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?


BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know