@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

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@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

@stephenjmolloy

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

@dumbbeezie

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

@rcromwell4

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@No_1BullshitGuy

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know