[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*bites zombie*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
thank god the sign was there