VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Terribly Tuesday.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children