Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?