Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.