Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!