{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
This probably isn’t good
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Squirrel having fun.. 😅