Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Life hack
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
first you must answer his riddles
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.