Very problematic
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#DesignFail
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Heroic Misunderstanding
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.