Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Probably my best painting.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No