Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“I wouldn’t.”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Deer are just ballerina dogs
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..