Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.