Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist