Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.