vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
A drum solo but on your face.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel