Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.