[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.