Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

He-man has a Masters degree

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Well, that didn’t work.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

I found your tweet-up…

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

the #horror is real!

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU