Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.