VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.