VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
this has to be peak English
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots