VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. Howâd he get your number?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered âI thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it nowâ
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I donât understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, Iâm not telling them it was store bought.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Canât you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldnât be here
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I think itâs time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body theyâre being modelled in too.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls đ
I really admire my daughterâs restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Itâs terrible when my husband âmisplacesâ his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he wonât reply to my messages.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of âI got your noseâ
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you canât name 10 jesuses
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we donât) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I donât trust anything out of a toddlerâs mouth
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what