VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Tremendous stuff
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one