Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”