Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Name this drama.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I just stopped by to water my horse.