[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”