VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Cake!!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.