judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.