@Greg_1_Leg

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

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@Brianhopecomedy

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

@warhorse76

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@XplodingUnicorn

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news