*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan