*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
(Gaming support cat.)
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
i love modern commerce
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh