villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Wait for it
Best mom ever 😂
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
When can I start eating bats again.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
#FunnyLife Insects
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.