villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie