Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.